wide fuckin awake!

I wish I knew then What I know now 
 Wouldn't dive in,Wouldn't bow down 
Gravity hurts,You made it so sweet  
Till I woke up ,
On the concrete.

 God knows that I tried Seeing the bright side 
 But I'm not blind anymore... 
I'm wide awake

im sick of all this.

ive learned that if a relationship is falling apart,dont try to pretend it doesnt.

let it sink,and you may cry at first but then the pain will go away.

because there are two kinds of people you'll meet:the ones who care about you and the ones who dont.

you'd better stick with the first ones.

~if you only knew how much hate and disgust i've felt for you,you would have hated yourself too.You know what your name brings to my mind?bloodsucking butterflies,all over my body.thats what it brings to my mind,thats what you bring to my mind.~

P.S.:you thing that Katy Perry isnt cool?oh im sorry that you cant feel what i feel when i hear this song.but i love it.and THATS fuckin cool!

forever and never and never

you meet some people and you have fun
but after a while those people start to hurt you
but you say"who cares?relationships hurt anyways" and you try to ignore the pain
but there comes a point where the pain becomes too much and you cant conceal it anymore,you cant pretend that everything is fine
and then ypu realise what was going wrong from the begging:the amount of love is not mutual.not at all.and you always thought it was,you thought it was going to last forever but then you realise youre just a passing stranger who might not even leave an impact afterwards.
and then you scream"WHAT THE HELL?FUCK YOU!"and you realise that your need for dignity and less pain and scars beats love,and that hey,you will definitely find people who will love you as much as you love them.
and you end the relationship.
and you kinda hate yourself for staying in it for so long because it was so,SO obvious that it all was an awfull waste of time.
but the memories still haunt you.and you reminisce the times you had fun.
you wonder,what if i was the one that couldnt accept the love i was given?
what if i was the problem,what if we could just keep being friends and have fun,and what if i could bear the pain?
and then you remember the pain and you realise that some things even though they seem like they could last forever,they dont.they end.just because they were probably never meant to last.

i like to think that some things last forever,that some memories stay and bring tears after years.
no.
i have always been the one who loved too much,i have always been the one who thought that forever and ever and ever exists.
i have always been the one who swallowed the pain and said"ill last,one more day,one more week,even a month"
but the pain sometimes swallows me,no,devours me,and i get lost in it,and i cry and i hate myself and then i hate everyone else.

i dont know whether you''ll become a bitter or a sweet memory,
but i promise that you''ll become a memory.
because i fuckin deserve more love and less pain.
and because i honestly believe that you deserve as much pain as you can get.
from whoever gives it to you.
because i once loved you,but you never got it.
because i once cried for days,but i never told you.

because we werent meant to be.
so go to hell :)
seriously.

i graduated.i am 18 years old.

can you believe that i still think that i'm 7 years old?i remember that day when my cousin asked me how old i was while searching something in his wardrobe,and i remember answering"7".and i really,REALLY felt 7 years old.
but after a point,time started to pass in a weird way,not fast or slow but it just started to really pass without letting me realise that im actually growing up.
-but werent you living every day like it was supposed to be your last one?memento mori,remember?-yes,i do,but that doesnt make the time stop passing or me realise that i dont have all the time in the world.
i mean im 18 years old and whenever someone sais the whole thing"YOURE 18 YEARS OLD"i say"please,dont.dont say it" and they most likely think that i dont mean it.but i do.
because its a shock to be told that you're 18 years old while the last thing you remember was that you were 7.
its like waking up from a comma and people saying to you that youre several years older,but hey,you still feel like you're the person you were before being in a comma.
not that i havent changed since then,i have.i wasnt in a comma.it just feels weird that im older,that people expect things for me,that im supposed to get a job or drive a car and that my parents let me stay at a club until six in the morning.i didnt do anything to trigger this,it just happened.
i probably feel so weird because im not ready yet for such a thing.

So life goes on,doesnt wait for you,and the most i realise the more uncomfortable i get.

i mean,i fuckin gratuated!
i will never go to school again.
and i know that change is a common thing but it never stops being a bit-or a lot-unsettling.
and it feels weird.
and sometimes it's scary.