last night's dream review-this time with my eyes open-

HELLO INTERNET WORLD!

its been 3 days?4? that i havent been online and it feels like ages!

anyway today i saw an incredibly weird dream-i know that dreams are supposed to be weird,and especially mine,but this one was ugh...-in which in the first half i was decorating my new house with real eyes and was preparing to be a vampire who would eat beans to become stronger(plus,some of my friends would die and then theyd wink at me just to *remind*me that this isnt real).now in the second half i created a huuuge pond and millions of fish would come to live there-did i tell you the fish could talk,too?oh yeah-but then i'd realise that this would make a chaos in humanity so i decided to destroy the pond but ,believe me, persuading all of the fish to leave the pond was the hardest thing ever...

oh and at the end i remember me filming an actual movie of my whole dream and showing it to somebody to ask 'em whether im a good director or not.

..i think this post just gave me a headache.

maybe im gonna log out and drink some ice cold cappuccino instead.

P.S.:did you notice i havent written a shit about love?*yaaaaay*

oh,im trying so hard not to.

enough.

i need things to be simple again.
without worries,without THOUGHTS.
i want to become a fish,i dont want to be able to think anything more than my basic needs.
i dont wanna make lifechanging choices now and then regret for the rest of my life.
i dont wanna cry for more twats.
i dont wanna love more twats.
i dont wanna try to persuade people about anything anymore,im sick of it.
i dont wanna need anybody else.

please,give me a tank,some fish food and some sun and i'll be happy.
maybe you could even give me one sheet of paper and a pen.
then i'd be the happiest being in the world!
and feed me,change my water,treat me kindly.

and if i happen to get ill,dont try to heal me.
this world wasnt made for me anyway

My fish is lonely,and so am I.
My bathroom's gone and there's a huge,grey,depressing hole instead.
My studying is non existent,and so is my internet connection.
And i think i love nobody right now,so this aint gonna be a love post.
*WHAT A RELIEF!*

I wanna focus on the future for now.
I wanna dream about me in a couple of years,when i'll be famous and happy and artsy and happy and happy and...well,you get it.
I just wanna be HAPPY in the future.
-i also wanna meet a man who's not gonna lie to my bloody face but THIS IS NOT A LOVE POST-

But seriously?
I dare to make future plans while knowing that all of my previous future plans failed blatantly?
Oh,you're being SUCH an optimist again dear....
What makes me hope that the years to come will be better than this one?
*oh,maybe the fact that those 3 years couldnt be worse?just sayin...*

Anyway the good thing is that this horrible,TERRIBLE feeling of lonelyness has dissapeared-just for now,dont get too excited-and has been replaced by a"enjoy every moment in your life"feeling.
I actually feel like i have one month of life everytime i wake up in the morning,so i enjoy EVERYTHING,even the boring parts of routine,even the sense of a pencil between my fingers.
i guess that this isn't bad at all...
i suspect that its just a desperate hope to fill the emptyness in my life.
to give some meaning to it.

Cause my life's been meaningless for too long,dont you think?

love and pain go hand in hand

On Tuesday i was really depressed.
So my dad,while we were driving to school,tells me:"ive always had this really big problem.i've always been in love.and being all the time in love is a huge problem,ya know..."

I dont know how i managed to fight back my tears,but at least now i know why im constantly in love with someone...

"i will never love a man cause love n pain go hand in hand and i cant do it again.."
yeah laura...wish i could.