i have everything without you

all the dreams and all the lights mean nothing everything without you.

i've never been so out of love and so comfortable in my own skin.
not that i want to jinx my current state of utter happinnes but i feel so fuckin alive and happy and focused and capable and confident and beautiful without him being constantly in my mind!

seriously?
sefuckinriously.

i cant really describe with words the peace of mind im in,but it feels like im constatly sleeping under the stars at a beach in the middle of the summer.
it feels like the moment you've taken a shower and you sit on the couch,watching tv while eating chinese.
it feels like everything is interesting and like everything is possible and it feels like even if nothing is possible at the end of the day,you dont care,because you're happy the way everything is right now.
it actually feels like im dead and i've gone to heaven,i feel that calmness and security and fuzziness and ugh.im gonna stop trying to describe it.i cant.

im worried a bit about my fish to be honest and about the final exams but
im not.not really.

do you think im dying?
i dont know,i may have stage 4 cancer and i not know it!
i cant remember me being that calm and happy for such a long period of time,only memories and dreams feel that calm and happy.
thats not normal,is it?
i dont think it is.
not at all.

maybe im already dead and i dont know it!
maybe that's what paradise is after all,a better version of your life.

god.
i hope the next time i post here i wont look at this and sigh.

just a different kind

I want love, but it's impossible
A man like me, so irresponsible
A man like me is dead in places
Other men feel liberated

I can't love, shot full of holes
Don't feel nothing, I just feel cold
Don't feel nothing, just old scars
Toughening up around my heart

But I want love, just a different kind
I want love, won't break me down
Won't brick me up, won't fence me in
I want a love, that don't mean a thing
That's the love I want, I want love

I want love on my own terms
After everything I've ever learned
Me, I carry too much baggage
Oh man I've seen so much traffic

So bring it on, I've been bruised
Don't give me love that's clean and smooth
I'm ready for the rougher stuff
No sweet romance, I've had enough


so yeah,lately i've been up and down.
still i managed to realise that i need to meet new people and do things i wouldn't before and stop being so gloomy and stop caring so much about things.
i just want to live a bit carelessly.
i want to try to be someone i wasn't before.
i want to discover different sides of myself,like the happy side and the easygoing side.

what i mean to say is that i will always be me,whether i want it or not.
i will just try to take life less seriously,be more spontainious,change the way i see things.
and you know why?
cause im bored of this.
this whole thing.
running after people who dont care about me,
running away from people who care about me,
running and running again as if something is chasing after me.

its a good time for a change.