I hate myself for loving you.

You just wanted to get away,didnt you?
You just wanted to get away from her and all the memories you had together.

But i should expect it.
It wasnt your fault after all,you just loved her as i love you.

I had never thought about you with a girlfriend.
I could never imagine that someone else could have the pleasure to touch you,to kiss you,to fuck you.
For a naive reason i kept believing that you were mine.
I honestly dont know what i was thinking.

But now i know how bloody lucky she was.
I know that she was more than bloody lucky,actually.
And i also know that i can't compete her.
She's older,she's beautiful and she knows you better.

And now all i can do is feel bad cause i know that she was by your side and she left you.
And even though i cannot even imagine the reason why,all i know is that i wish i was her.
Plus,i feel like a REAL loser.

I did everything for you and all you do is ignore me.

But have you ever felt this feeling that develops into an urge?

An urge to yell"I F*ING HATE MYSELF FOR LOVING YOU AFTER ALL THESE SHIT YOU'VE DONE TO ME!"

This nightmare was a nightmare...

I saw a horrible dream the night before.




I was lost because i had gone somewhere but i couldnt recall the way back,so i started asking people where i was.(Needless to say that in my dreams there are no f-ing cellphones!Inconvinient,huh?)


After asking a couple of people,i went to the train station.I had to wait there till 10-11 o'clock,and it was still noon so i decided that i should find an other way back.


For a weird reason,while waiting at the station i saw a nice lady with 4 or 5 children waiting there and i deceided to ask her whether she could take me with her,to her home.
She accepted.


Her house was pretty big and luxurious but it had only a livingroom and a bathroom.
The livingroom was full of children-young children-and full of toys.It was like a kinder garden!
I went to the bathroom to wash my hands-it was such a great bathroom,it had nothing to do with the rest of the house-it was purple and shiny and it smelled better than a cup of hot chocolate and a bunch of roses together(i dont like roses btw,the reference is just symbolic i guess)



Then i went to the livingroom and sat in a chair,opposite to the lady that had previously picked me up and brought me there.

Now here's the freaky part:

Next to her there was a newborn baby-probably hers,i have no idea-and a plastic see-through bag.
The baby took the bag and put its head in.
He trapped itself and it was trying a lot to get his head out of there but it couldnt,and the head started getting a yellowbrownish colour and the baby started opening  its eyes wide and moving its mouth,trying to yell for help.
I,in the meanwhile,had been paniced!I kept moving my arms up and down,jumping and yelling to the lady to do something to help the child!
The weird thing is that i did nothing myself to help the baby-i found the thought of touching it,appalling.


Finally,a second or a nanosecond maybe before the baby dies-the lady took the bag off its head.


Although the baby seemed pretty relieved,happy to have back its life and not actually realising what had just happenned,i run out of the house,panicked,waiting for a taxi.


Thats it.
I have no idea what this thing means.
All i know is that it scared the shit out of me!
Had to share it with a couple of people though.
Take care

  and be careful in your dreams!

ill<=>bored

So far,we've not really stayed in touch dear blog.

Alright first of all,i was ill.That's a good excuse for not updating your blog,innit?

People tend to accept this excuse so easily without even having second thoughts!i wonder why...cause honestly,you're my blog and lying to you is obviously pointless.

So yes,i was ill-for one day-and i didnt go to school-for three days- BUT i had plenty of time to watch,like,5 movies a day but i wasnt really in the mood for blogging.


Of course someone should apologize for not blogging when he has a couple of followers waiting for an apology.


I dont.
But im gonna apologize anyway cause i like having the illusion that someone out there may be waitin an apology from me.





Now,i forgot what i initially wanted to say so I'll just go to bed.

G-night guys!
Hope you're sinking in your fluffy and warm beds right now!


********  (<--i thought that instead of kisses-for ex:lots of love xxx-stars would be a better way to close this post.y'know,stars-nightsky-night-bed...got it?I think i just made everything more complicated.
SIMPLY goodnight . )

You really should stop falling asleep on night buses.

You said you had an issue with night buses.

You said that you would always fall asleep on your way back home after a wicked night out and that you would wake up twenty stations away from Tottenham.

And after that i would always close my eyes and imagine us,you and me,on a nightbus on our way back to your home.

I would keep you company and talk to you about irrelevant stuff just in order to keep you awake,or we would just fall asleep together and then make the classic one-hour-walk home.
You and me.
Just us.
Drunk,singing Morrissey and falling onto each other's arms.

And then maybe i could stay at your house because mine would be too far,and i could just sleep by your side,listening to your drunk,beer-scented breath and feeling your body next to mine.

And everything would gonna be alright. 

Once and again and again and again and again...

I cant try that.

No,i won't.

And then she did,and she melted into herself

And she kept doing it again and again and again
till realising that there were no limits in this world of anarchy.
So she stopped for a moment,wondered whether she wants to put a logical barrier to that,she nodded and then she kept doin' it again and again and again till her whole being gave in to the only limit:death.

And then her friends could only cry and say:

"she died 'cause she did it once and again and again and again!"

And she would open her rotted,dead,lifeless mouth and say:


"My fellow friends,why should we live without doin in again and again and again?I prefer to sucump to only one limit,but you prefer building cages around you,trap yourselves in them and let time devour your hapinnes,your dreams,your life.
And now i laugh at you.But will you laugh at the rest of the world when you die?
Because you will die one day and you will leave behind you regrets. if you dont sin,if you dont break the limits.
Because people tend to forget that sin is three words that with an other order would be useless.
that sin is the cage in which clever people like to put birds.

And they also forget that the birds are you,and me and everyone else."

You aint got nothin(till you hit rock bottom)

Y'know what i've learned those days?


1.that just a bedroom light is not enough in order to lighten up the dark sides of myself. 


 


2.That I STILL love hiddin behind the curtains,hehe!





 3.And finally that  i love polaroid cameras(I bought one last week :D) but that the film is so f-ing expensive that i should first become a billionaire and then consider shootin photos with my pola...
 



Ahhh..Anyway except from that life goes on smoooooothily.
i took my 4month grades too,on tuesday.
Well,lets just not talk about it,i hit rock bottom :P